The Worst of Times Discontinued
by Marie S Zachary
Summary: When Trudy is raped her husband is desperate to solve the case. Their lives are turned upside-down and inside-out. The changes are overwhelming and scary. However they have a love that is very strong. Will love survive? Who was responsible for this
1. For better or worse

I don't own Monk or any of the orginal characters

* * *

Many people say to themselves "if only I hadn't done (x)". Many people wonder if they had made the right decisions. It's hard for people to know what the right answers are and what the right answers are not.

For Adrian and his wife times were good. They had the perfect relationship. They never fought. He never got mad or acted in a negative way. Oh sure there were times when they would have a difference of opinion… but instead of fighting the two of them would sit down and talk it out.

Adrian always said Trudy saw things in a way nobody else, including him could see. She was always seeing the good in people. She was always looking for the way to make everything right. That was one thing he loved about her. That was one of MANY things he loved about her. In his mind nothing would ever go wrong.

Nobody ever thinks things will go wrong. Most people don't ever expect that. They think their perfect life will continue, not come tumbling down. He never doubted himself. He never doubted her. There were times she made mistakes. He was fine with that. The only rule he had was "be honest about it when you make a mistake."

"There's no shame in making mistakes Trudy," he told her one time, "everyone does."

"Just remember that with yourself Adrian my darling. You are way too hard on yourself"

Change was not easy for him. Routine was comforting. Even the nightly routine… they had their own version of it… he found it comforting. Whenever she would mention anything about changes or steps or anything like that he would point out that the challenges are very challenging.

"Well duh," she said laughing once, "that's kind of why they call them challenges Adrian"

He would laugh too and the eyes she gave him were impossible to resist.

"Forget the challenges," he said kissing her, "you're always a winner in my eyes"

"You always know the right things to say," she told him

"That's because I have you"

Their perfect life ended a week before her party. It wasn't a fight. He wished it was. It wasn't him getting tough on her. He wished it was. It wasn't things being out of order. He wished it was. No. It was something a lot worse. It was something a lot more cynical.

Their love was still as strong as ever. That would never change.

"Adrian," she told him, "I have to go to my volunteer job at the orphanage"

"How are you enjoying it," he asked her.

"I love it"

Her eyes were shinning.

"I knew you would," he said,

"They brought in the most beautiful baby yesterday. Her name is Jakayla. She's 2 days old"

"Trudy let me tell you something," he said in a firm tone then his voice went soft, "if we adopt her, her name isn't going to be Jakayla. That's a GOD-AWFUL name"

Trudy squealed in excitement.

"Really," she said, "you mean that?"

"That Jakayla's a GOD-AWFUL name… yes I meant every word of it"

She lightly punched him on the arm

"No Adrian I mean about adopting Jakayla"

"Yes," he told her kissing her, "of course I mean it"

"You are the most amazing and most brilliant person the world has ever known"

"No I'm not," he told her, "I don't hold a candle to you"

"Adrian that's silly. You're a lot smarter then me."

"That will be the day," he told her.

She left at 5 o'clock. The position was from 5:30 to 9:30. At around 6 o'clock Leland called.

"Hello?"

"Hey Monk… how's Trudy enjoying the orphanage"

"Oh she loves it," he told Leland

"Is she still getting emotional?"

"Yeah… she gets that way every now and then so I just have to slow down until she calms down and then things go back to the way they always are"

"You are an amazing man," Leland told his friend, "the way you put her comforts and wants above your own."

"Leland she's my wife. She's my world. I love her"

"I know," Leland said, "but still you must be going crazy?"

"Not at all," he said, "So how are things with you?"

Leland and Monk talked for about 45 minutes and then said goodbye.

"We'll talk later"

"Of course we will"

10 o'clock came and Trudy still wasn't home. Adrian was starting to get worried. He knew though that sometimes she would stop off at the local pizza café to catch a quick bite or something. But this was already ½ an hour and he had a very uneasy feeling. Just as he picked up the phone to call Leland, his phone rang.

"Leland I'm glad you called-"

"Monk you need to get down to San Francisco General RIGHT NOW"

"Leland I told you I-"

"It's not a case. It's Trudy. Something happened"

"Oh my GOD—please tell me she's okay"

"If I did Monk I would be lying."

"Is she alive?"

"Yes. Get down here Monk. I'll explain the whole situation"

Monk arrived at SFG within 15 minutes.

"Leland… what happened?"

"Sit down Monk," Leland Stottlemyer said gently putting his hand on his friend's shoulder

"Where's Trudy?"

He shook his head.

"Sit down"

"I want to see Trudy," he said

"You will," Leland promised him, "but you need to know what happened. Monk… Trudy took a shortcut to get to the car today"

"Okay," he said, "that doesn't explain why she's IN THE HOSPITAL"

"She had to cut through an ally-way. There was a man hiding in the shadows. Monk she was raped"

It was as if someone pressed the pause button and all the air went out of his lungs.

"No! No… that can't be"

"Monk I'm sorry"

"Sorry! You're SORRY. GOD that word sounds shallow. My wife is lying in the hospital, someone- no not SOMEONE, A DISGRACE TO THE HUMAN RACE took my wife and violated her. He treated her like a toy that he could just do whatever he wants with. Never mind what he's going to put everyone else through or that he destroyed things for the most perfect person ever."

Filled with rage he picked up a chair and flung it across the room. Then, being who he was he went and picked it up

Leland waited until he calmed down to continue

"Trudy is awake… but she's on morphine right now. She is also extremely shaken up and terrified. She may at times react in a strong emotional outburst. She's in extreme pain. The perpetrator not only raped her, he also beat her for trying to fight him off.

"Where is the perpetrator?"

"Monk we don't know," Leland said, "he escaped before we could catch him"

"Just wait," Monk yelled, "just wait till I get my hands on him. He will be toast. He will wish he was dead"

Leland sighed.

"I feel the same way," he said, "Monk you're going to have to be very patient with Trudy. She may find the idea of s e x quite frightening after what she's been through"

"Might?"

"Probably will"

"If she wasn't were she was none of this would have happened," he said

"You don't know that," Leland replied, "look I can't pretend everything is going to be okay"

"Yeah no kidding"

"I also can't pretend that what happened was right. It was wrong from the start but right now is not the time to focus on coulda shoulda woulda. As the Chinese proverb goes "there's no such thing as coulda shoulda and woulda if you coulda and you shoulda you woulda"

"Leland you're like a brother to me," Monk said, "I love you but right now I don't need a lecture or Chinese proverbs or justification. I need to see my wife. I'm freaking out here"

"Right now they're completing a rape kit. They are doing some blood tests to see that she isn't sick or pregnant and they're interviewing her to find out what if anything she remembers. You can come in after that"

"They're questioning her RIGHT AFTER this happened? What the hell kinds of bastards does that"

"Listen Monk I understand you're upset. I'm upset too"

"Upset? No, I'm not upset. I'm petrified, irritated and so upset I feel like any minute now I'm going to burst into tears"

"I understand"

"Oh you understand? Is it Karen who's lying in that hospital bed after being violated by some GOD DAMN SON OF A BITCH?"

"No and I can't say I would want to trade places with you"

"If you said that," Monk said, "I would say you're either a liar or crazy"

The doctor came in.

"Is the victim's husband here?"

"The 'victim' has a name," Monk said.

The doctor smiled sympathetically

"You must be her husband"

"Yes ma'am. My name is Adrian Monk now can I please see my wife"

"Of course. I am so sorry about what happened. You must be-"

"Listen Doctor Celter," he said reading her name tag, "I really appreciate it and I know you mean well… but I need to see her."

The doctor smiled sadly at him.

"Of course," she said, "right this way"

Adrian felt like every second was an hour every minute was a year. He could not believe this was happening. It wasn't fair. He was angry about the whole situation. He was angry with everyone that caused this situation to happen. Why should his beloved and cherished wife have to go through something like this?

He wished he had been there. He wished he could have stopped it from happening or taken her place. Oh he knew it would be messy, but he didn't care. He didn't want her suffering for even a second. He knew the physical and emotional recovery would take a very long time. The consequences of this incident were astronomical. She would probably be more scared then ever now too.

When he went in, she was lying on the hospital bed, tears pouring down her face. She looked so… small. She looked so helpless and alone. She looked up when she heard him come in and managed a weak smile for his sake.

"I am so sorry," he said, "I should have been there"

"Adrian this is in no way your fault," she told him, "thank GOD you're here"

He saw an empty space in the bed. He carefully climbed into the bed next to her and put his arm around her protectively, as if blocking out, or trying to block out anything that would ever cause her any more negative feelings or experiences.

He was careful when he touched her. She was bruised and welted everywhere.

"Oh GOD," she said, "I must look awful"

"Not to me," he told her, "You could never look awful to me. To me you're as beautiful as the day I laid eyes on you."

He carefully caressed her forehead causing her to wince.

"Still hurts," he asked her.

"He got me from everywhere," she said weakly, "I don't think there's any part of me that DOESN'T hurt"

Damn that man! How could that man do something like this to such a beautiful angel? Damn his iniquities. Just—DAMN!

There were no words to be spoken, no words that would be right anyway. The silence lasted a long time. Finally a therapist came in

"Hello dear," she said to Trudy in a gentle voice, "my name is Anne and I'm here to help get you through this"

"How are you going to do that," Adrian asked

"And you are?"

"Asking you a question," he came back in his snappy way, "she's just been through HELL. How are you going to help get her through this"

"Are you related to the victim," the therapist asked

"I'm her husband," he answered, "and she has a name and it's not 'the victim'

"Look I have to follow protocol," Anne explained.

"Protocol? I'm talking about treating the 'victims' like people not titles or steps"

"Anyway ma'am," the therapist said to Trudy, "would you prefer he leave?"

"Actually I would prefer that he stay"

The therapist looked a little agitated but just nodded.

"Now," Anne started looking at her chart, "you've been through a traumatic event Mrs. Monk and it probably affected you in many ways"

_Where did you go to school, _Monk thought to himself, _captain DUH university?"_

"Things in many ways are going to change. Emotionally you're going to be all over the place. It will be best to keep everything as normal as possible. Don't pretend to yourself this didn't happen. You may need to get some professional help-"

"What are you," Monk asked

"What?"

"You said she may need to get some professional help. What are you?"

"I can only work with her while she's here at the hospital. That will be at most a couple of months. It will take a lot longer then that to get over what happened to her. Speaking of over-"

"No lets not speak of over. Stop talking to her like she's a class assignment. Trudy is a human being with thoughts feelings and a personality. You're treating her like an experiment"

"What do you expect from me Mr. Monk," Anne said, "I had a rough day"

"Oh I'm so sorry," Trudy said softly, "do you need to talk?"

That was Trudy. She was always thinking of others before herself. But Adrian wasn't about to let this charade continue.

"Are you capable of handling a situation like this," he asked Anne

Anne sighed.

"Mr. Monk have you ever had a bad day"

Furry rose in his throat.

"MY WIFE IS LYING HERE IN THIS CONDITION AND YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I EVER HAD A BAD DAY? GEE I DON'T KNOW. LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK"

"Adrian its okay," Trudy whispered, "everyone has bad days"

"That may be true," he said, "but I think we should get someone in here who can actually help instead of someone who needs help… no offense Anne. I'm sure you're a very nice person"

Anne smiled sadly at him.

"No offense taken," she replied

When she left Trudy looked at Adrian.

"Honey," she said gently with only a hint of reprimand in her voice, "Anne didn't mean to upset you. She was probably just upset herself. Whatever was bothering her most have affected her something awful"

Adrian nodded

"Trudy," he said, "how do you do it? How do you always manage to think about other people even despite what you go through?"

"Well I think that it's actually comforting to care about other people. It sort of lessens the hurt that I'm feeling… although-"

The door opened and another woman walked in

"You must be Trudy right," she said warmly

Trudy nodded

"My name is Laura. First of all let me say that I know what you're going through. I went through the same thing myself when I was 15"

"You did?"

Laura nodded.

"My life," she began, "was very much like yours until this happened. I wish I could tell you the recovery will be easy. I wish I could tell you the pain will go away. The physical pain **will** go away… just like when you were a little kid and you get hurt. That happens to some kids, getting hurt I mean, but anyway getting back to my point it will take a whole lot longer for the emotional pain to dissipate."

"Dissipate?"

"That means get easier. It helps if you keep things as normal as possible"

"How is that possible," Monk asked, "We can't just pretend this didn't happen and it hasn't affected us"

"No of course not," Laura said, "there's no way you can do that. What I meant was you can't let this stop you from living"

"Hm"

"You see… I'm sorry," she said to Adrian, "what did you say your name was again. I didn't quite catch it"

"That's okay. I didn't quite throw it," he said chuckling, "I'm Adrian"

"Anyway," Laura continued, "it's important to continue to move forward and get through this as normally as possible. Over the coming months I'm going to help you do that. First I thought maybe it would be best to just get to know each other. I don't see from the records your madden name mentioned. Was it an embarrassing one or something?"

"No," Monk said, "mine was"

"Yours?"

1"Before I got married," he said, "my last name was Hopshit"

Laura laughed.

"I don't blame you for taking on your wife's name," she said

"Yeah I don't really like any name with the word **shit **in it. It's germy and disgusting"

Trudy laughed then winched. The beating she'd gotten from the rapist made any laughter hurt horribly even on morphine she couldn't mask the pain.

"That pain I'm feeling now," she said, "is it physical or emotional"

"Well," Laura said, "the morphine masks the physical pain and you're on a lot of it. The pain you're feeling now is more then likely emotional which doesn't make it any less painful."

Tears filled Adrian's eyes.

"Adrian," Laura said with a tentative tone in her voice, "what are you thinking just now"

"Oh nothing"

"No… it's important you be honest.

Monk nodded.

"Okay I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I wish I could take all of that pain off of her and put it on me. It hurts me that this happened. It makes me angry that some low-life was able to get away with that. He hurt her. My GOD he could have killed her. It's so unfair"

"My grandfather used to say who says life is fair," Laura said, "I think that's the biggest load of crap ever. Life may not be fair but there are certain things that should be. Basic common courtesy is one. People shouldn't be afraid to walk from a building to their car"

"I have some ideas of who it is," Adrian said, "but I don't know for sure yet"

"Sounds like you're what my grandmother would say, 'back in the swing of things,' huh," Laura commented.

Adrian looked at Trudy who just gave him a weak smile.

Even he smiled and then felt horribly guilty about smiling.

"Honey what-"

"I shouldn't be smiling," he said, "not when this is happening. This isn't the time to be smiling. This is the time to… to not be smiling"

"Okay put the car into park," Laura said, "and back up the boat. There's going to be a lot of negativity going on and a lot of raw emotions but it's extremely important to be as positive as possible right now. Smiling is allowed. Laughing is allowed. It's going to be a long time before life is normal again but it's important to make it as normal as possible."

"You know," Adrian said, "I told my brother the same thing once about a year and ½ ago"

"You did," Laura asked, "now that sounds interesting"

"Actually," Trudy said, "it's a pretty funny story"

She was glad if only for a moment to forget her problems. She was glad if only for a moment to forget what happened to her. She would recall it often enough. She would have nightmares about it. Thoughts would always go back to what happened…she knew that, but she was glad for the moment to forget.

Laura motioned for one of them to continue.

"Ambrose was my best friend when we were growing up," Adrian began, "and both of us had issues. One thing that happened to my brother every night was that he would be sleep-walking. One day last year he was really upset. I asked him what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine but I know my brother and he can't lie worth a penny. Finally it came out that he did something that he shouldn't have done. He and I quote, 'kissed a beautiful girl that didn't belong to him' end of quote. I told him first of all that women are not property and nobody 'owns' them and secondly I asked him had he been sleepwalking. He asked me how I knew that he was sleepwalking. It was fairly obvious. Anyway I told him that he couldn't be responsible for what he didn't know that he did. It took some convincing but I finally convinced him of that"

"I guess you," Laura said motioning to Trudy, "was the beautiful woman that didn't belong to him"

"Girl," Adrian said as he was particular about getting things specifically right, "not woman… girl"

"I'm sorry. I guess she was the beautiful girl that didn't belong to him?"

Adrian nodded.

"We were having some renovations done so Ambrose invited us to stay at his place until it was fixed. She was in the kitchen having a glass of milk. Plus I knew because she told me about what happened"

There was a moment of silence and then Adrian asked, "Shouldn't we be dealing with what happened?"

"Oh absolutely," Laura replied, "but not until the dust has settled. She's just been through a very unremitting experience. The idea of this session is to make her forget just for a moment. It's to make her feel better. It's to make her remember that she has people who love her… that not everyone is that filthy disgusting pig that did this to her"

"DON'T YOU **EVER**call him a pig," Adrian said, "that's an insult to all pigs! He's lower then whale-shit and NOTHING is lower then whale-shit because whale-shit is at the bottom of the sea."

"Exactly," Laura said, "but not every person-"

"He's NOT a person. He's an abomination to the human race. Don't call him a person"

"Anyway," Laura said, "I have to go now. I'm going to write down my number so you can call me any time"

Laura wrote her number down and handed one copy of it to Adrian and a second copy over to Trudy.

"Now remember," she said, "any time you need to talk, I'm right here"

"Laura seems like a nice woman," Adrian said after she left.

"She is," Trudy agreed, "it was good to get that horrifying experience out of my mind for a minute or two"

That sentiment was one that he echoed.

"Adrian can I ask you something," she asked

"I think you just did," he joked

"What do you think of me now?"

"What do you mean," he asked

"Before he got away the person that did this called me 'damaged goods'.

A large amount of rage surged through Adrian.

"Damaged goods?"

How dare that lowlife scumbag talk to her like that!

"Trudy the man is insane. What happened to you doesn't change who you are. You're not damaged goods"

A horrible thought crossed his mind. Ambrose referred to her once as 'a beautiful girl that didn't belong to him'. Was it possible that his brother did this while sleepwalking? He quickly shook off that thought but it kept coming back.

"Trudy," he said, "I'll be right back. I have to go make a quick call"

If Ambrose was home there was no way he could have done it. He lived 4 hours away from the crime scene. Adrian had to make sure.

Quickly he dialed the number to his brother's house.

_Please let him be home, _he prayed

The phone rang.

_Come on Ambrose pick up pick up pick _up.

"Hello?"

"Thank GOD"

"Nice to hear from you too Adrian," he said laughing

"I'm sorry. Ambrose look something happened today… a little over an hour ago."

"Is everything okay?"

"If I said it was I would be lying. Tonight Trudy was attacked and raped," he said unable to hold back the tears.

"WHAT! OH MY FRIGGIN GOWD! WHO THE HELL WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT"

"You don't even want to know the thought that went through my mind," Adrian said, "I'm freaking out and I'm furious"

"So am I. I can't believe someone would do that"

"Do you know what that bastard called her?"

"No. What?"

"He called her damaged goods. Damaged friggin goods. He actually had the nerve to say that to her"

"Damaged goods? What do they think she is… a pie shop?"

Normally he would have laughed but none of this was funny.

"Adrian?"

"Yeah Ambrose?"

"Okay I know this sounds kind of weird and everything with the past and all that but would it be okay if I came to visit"

"Of course," he said, "I think that she would like that"

"Oh and Adrian… I'm sorry about getting mad last month that one time. I was scared and I didn't know how to react.

"That's why they call it a **reaction**," Adrian replied, "of course you didn't mean to do it. Between you and me I was grateful to you for your fast thinking. It really saved the day."

"I just hope I wasn't too-"

"You weren't. Ambrose stop doubting yourself all the time"

"How about I drive up tonight"

Adrian nodded.

"Don't call a hotel though. You can stay with me?"

"Really? You mean it?"

"Absolutely"

"I'm not sure though… with my sleepwalking and all that…"

"It would be a relief to have you there… to not be alone," Adrian said

"Okay," Ambrose enthused, "you convinced me. I'll pack a bag and come down"

"See you soon. Oh and Ambrose?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you"

"Love you too little brother"

As soon as he hung up the phone he headed straight to her room. She had fallen asleep and was tossing and turning obviously not sleeping well. Who could blame her. Within the past short while she had been through hell. Tenderly he brushed the hair from her head with his fingers. She woke up a few minutes later screaming.

"Trudy it's okay," he soothed, "It was just a bad dream"

She held onto him tightly… like she would never let go.

"It was so scary," she sobbed, "everything was happening at once"

He held her close to him.

Laura happened to have walked in at the moment

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," she asked

"I've been better"

"She had a nightmare," Adrian explained.

"That's not uncommon," Laura explained, "I used to have hundreds of them"

"Does it ever go away," Trudy asked.

"It gets easier," Laura answered, "and eventually it will subside"

"I don't handle tough times well," Trudy explained

Laura smiled gently

"Honestly," she said, "I don't know of anyone who does"  
"Thank you for coming to check on me," she told Laura

"You and I," Laura said, "we have a lot in common"

"We do… cool"

"That is cool," Laura said, "and at the same time not cool. I'd prefer not having gone through those experiences but I learned to take it and turn it into something good"

"How did you do that"

"It's what made me become a counselor. See having been through tough times I like to take that and turn it into something that can help others get through it."

"Did that change who you are?"

"In many was it did," Laura acknowledge, "I was going out with a guy most of my friends called a nerd at the time. I didn't care. I was crazy about him. But before my experience I was kind of shallow. I didn't see deeper then what was beyond my eyes."

Adrian smiled

"You know," he said, "Trudy taught me to look beyond my eyes"

"Look beyond your eyes… I like that."

She paused for a second and then asked, "how do you look beyond your eyes though?"

"Actually in some ways it's very easy. In other ways it's really complicated. There are always several ways of looking at the same thing. Sometimes there are several different ways of handling the same situation. It's always important to find the most positive way to handle situations even when they're difficult."

"You know," Laura said to Trudy, "you're quite an intelligent person. How do you know all that"

"Personal experience," she explained, "long story"

"Hmm… let me see if I can sum up that long story"

"You can try," she told Laura, "but I'm not so sure you'll be able too"

"I will," Laura said, "I don't know how I will but I will"

Laughs were heard all around.

"So it probably started on some day when a situation happened"

"Yeah," Trudy acknowledge

"Wow," Adrian joked, "thank you Captain no kidding"

"It was probably an intense situation and it was a situation that you had to handle because…"

"Because of the circumstances and the time element of the situation yes"

"And so the situation probably taught **him** that there are several ways of dealing with a situation"

"Wow," she remarked, "you're good"

"Oh," Adrian added, "my brother's going to come visit probably tomorrow"

She grinned. The two of them had been best friends since kindergarten.

"From that smile," Laura surmised, "I'm guessing he's a friend?"

"Since kindergarten"

"Huh," she said curiously, "are you older then your husband"

"Only by two weeks," she explained, "how did you know"

"Well I thought, but I couldn't be sure, that I heard him refer to his brother as his older brother and if you were in kindergarten-"

"I was 4 while everyone else was five," Trudy explained, "my mom had to work in the ice cream shop to support me. My father died when I was 4 and we were left in the lurch. My mom didn't trust any babysitter and since my uncle was the super-intendent of the school… I got in early"

"How did you like kindergarten?"

"I loved it"

"Yeah," Adrian said, "I think I was probably the only freak that didn't like it"

"Too many germs," Trudy explained.

"Did you have a good relationship with your brother," Laura asked Adrian

He nodded.

"Ambrose could read me like a book," Adrian said chuckling, "and he was always on my side. If he wanted something and I wanted the same thing he would always step aside and root for me"

"He sounds like one hell of a big brother"

"Oh he was. He was only a year older then me but that year seemed to make such a difference"

"It always does," Laura replied before saying goodnight, "it always does"

1 I have a friend that had that madden name. His name is Mark Hopshit Pepermint


	2. Lessons on Appreciation

Leland Stottlemyer paced the floor as he waited his turn to visit her in the long waiting room. He didn't know why they called it a waiting room. He thought they should call it a torture room. That what it was, waiting to know if one of your closest friends was going to live or die. It was torture knowing that his friend may be HIV+. He couldn't help wondering if there was something he could have done to prevent this damn situation.

The logical part of him knew it was only the fault of one person and one person only. It was the fault of the rapist. Why he felt responsible in a way would be later revealed in one of his therapy sessions. Stottlemyer and his wife were having trouble in their marriage and going for marriage counseling. It wasn't that they didn't love each other… they did but after the death of their daughter, Jennifer they started fighting a lot more. It is a horrible thing to go through losing any child let alone your only child.

At that point she had been their only child. Later, Karen gave birth to a little boy name Jason and Jarred joined his brother soon there after. Leland loved his wife and he loved his boys but he couldn't ever stop thinking of his baby girl. In any event Leland was going crazy waiting to see if Trudy was going to be okay. The thought that she could die terrified him. She was Adrian's life. If she died he would die. Physically no although he wouldn't be surprised but at the very least he would mentally die.

His beeper went off. Karen had called. SHIT! She didn't know yet. Trudy and Karen were close friends—they were like sisters. This was going to really bum Karen out. He went outside to call Karen.

"Hello?"

"Honey it's me. I'm in the hospital now"

"WHAT! OH MY GOD LELAND, WERE YOU SHOT!"

"No nothing like that. I'm not a patient in the hospital. Karen there's no easy way to tell you this but Trudy's been beaten and raped"

Karen's voice got shrill.

"How bad is it," she asked him

"Well it's not good," he said, "she is all welted and bruised."

"Can I come down to see her?"

"Of course," he said, "call Mrs. Waters to see if she would mind staying with Jason and the baby."

"Actually my sister is already here"

"She's a teenager Karen!"

"Leland she's 16. We've left her with Jason before and with Jennifer"

Leland sighed

"Okay," he said, "but I want her to be within reach at all times"

"She will be"

Meanwhile in Trudy's room she had finally fallen asleep. Adrian sat by her bedside holding her hand. He was filled with every sort of emotion in the book. He was furious that someone could do this and get away with it. He was scared to death that she may have a fatal disease. He was distraught that he couldn't stop this situation from happening. He was angry that this situation couldn't be stopped from happening. He was relieved to have Laura in their lives to help her through this.

GOD how could anyone do that to such a beautiful precious angel sent from the maker above? He hoped that the police found that bastard before he did because if he found him first and not as a cop his life wouldn't be worth living. He wanted that son of a bitch to suffer. He wanted that asshole to feel the pain that Trudy was feeling. He wanted to beat the man within an inch of his life, not because the man… for lack of a better word deserved to live but because he wanted him to live in pain.

Trudy awoke with a start. She gasped from what was apparently another nightmare

"Bad dream," he asked gently

"Does it ever go away? Does this fear ever go away?"

"Did you dream about what happened?"

"Dream is hardly the word for it," she said weakly.

"I hate that man for what he did to you," he told her.

"Don't hate Adrian," she replied, "that will just hurt the hater not the hated"

Adrian noted there was a book of poetry on her bedside table.

"You know what might make you feel better," he said, "just for a little while anyway"

"Going back in time and stopping this event from ever happening?"

"Yeah I wish," he said, "but I was thinking of the book of poetry. I was thinking maybe hearing some poems in the book might take your mind off this nightmare"

She handed him the book and closed her eyes. He'd seen her close her eyes like that before as if trying to block out a bad memory.

He opened to page #1

It was a poem by one of her favorite poets, Maya Angelu

_Beloved_

_In what other lives or lands_

_Have I known your lips?_

_Your hands_

_Your laughter brave_

_Irreverent _

_Those sweet excesses that _

_I do adore_

_What surely is there_

_That we will meet again_

_On other worlds some_

_Future time undated_

_I defy my body's haste_

_Without the promise_

_Of one more sweet encounter _

_I will not deign to die_

She smiled hearing that poem. She always loved that poem. He never understood what it meant and usually was obsessed on the fact that the lines didn't end at the end of the sentence.

"That is such a beautiful poem," she said, "I always loved it"

"I never understood what it was about," he admitted.

"It's about strength. It's about never giving in even when you feel like you're going to die from grief and agony staying strong. It's about love that will never die"

He grinned.

"Now I understand why you love the poem," he said

"Maya Angelu was going to be in San Fransico to do a reading next week" she told him, "it's incredible to think of all the people she'll be inspiring"

He turned to the next poem and decided against it. It was too depressing. That was the last thing she needed. The 3rd poem he didn't understand. He couldn't read a poem he didn't understand. It didn't make any sense to him and he didn't understand how it could make any sense to anyone. The 4th poem was disgusting and way too graphic. The 5th one was also too depressing. Finally he came to another one that he could read. He knew she loved this one

_Your hands easy_

_Weight, teasing the bees_

_Hived in my hair, you smile at the_

_Slope of my cheek on the _

_Occasion you press_

_above me, glowing, spouting _

_readiness, mystery…_

he paused. 2He decided not to read the next word and skipped to the word after that

_my reason_

_When you have withdrawn_

_Your self and the magic, when _

_only the smell of your love lingers between _

_My breasts, then only,_

_Then can I greedily consume your presence_

"Thank you," she whispered

"For what?"

"For making me see that love is beautiful. Sometimes I need to remember that"

He so badly wanted to kiss her but he was afraid to.

It wasn't like being in 8th grade. _**In 8**__**th**__** grade he had a crush on her and he knew Ambrose was crazy about her. He and Ambrose were extremely close so he never said anything. One day however Ambrose noticed him staring at a picture of her in the school yearbook. He was staring for almost an hour when Ambrose's voice stirred him out of his daydream. **_

"_**For GOD sake Adrian why don't you just ask her out?"**_

"_**What," he asked, "who?"**_

"_**You know who I'm talking about," Ambrose said, "you've been staring at the yearbook picture of Trudy for almost an hour**_

"_**So," Adrian replied, "I'm observant"**_

"_**You're in love"**_

"_**What? That's ridiculous"**_

"_**It is not ridiculous," Ambrose argued, "You are so in love"**_

"_**I can't be in love with her"**_

"_**Why not," Ambrose asked gently.**_

"_**Because you're in love with her"**_

"_**Is that what this is all about," Ambrose asked, "you think you'd be betraying me?"**_

"_**Well yeah"**_

"_**Adrian… do you know that when you were born mom let me hold you"**_

"_**What? You were only a year old?"**_

_**Ambrose opened his desk drawer and got out a picture of the two of them together**_

"_**Okay," he said, "so you held me when I was born. Am I missing the point?"**_

"_**No," Ambrose replied, "I'm about to get to it. Ever since you were born… in fact ever since I knew I was going to be a big brother mom kept telling me what a privilege it is to have a little brother or sister. As a little boy I didn't understand that. I felt like you were replacing me. I was worried mom wouldn't love me anymore. Even until I turned about three I was a little bit jealous of you. But I realized something when I turned three"**_

"_**What is it?"**_

"_**What I realized was that the thing that made me the most happy is when I saw a smile on your face"**_

Ambrose had given him the confidence and the tools to do what he so desperately needed to do. This was different. He was afraid to kiss her because he didn't know if the rape caused her to think of something that was supposed to be beautiful in a scary way. It was too soon to ask her about that. It was just too soon. He didn't want to scare her or upset her or cause her to remember the incident.

"Oh this is a funny poem," he said turning the page, "I actually like this one"

"Let's hear it"

_I have children to tend_

_The clothes to mend_

_The floor to mop_

_The food to shop_

_The chicken to fry_

_The baby to dry_

_I've got company to feed_

_The garden to weed_

_I've got shirts to press_

_The tots to dress_

_The can to be cut_

_I've got to clean up this hut_

_Then see about the sick_

_And the cotton to pick_

_Shine on me sunshine_

_Rain on me rain_

_Fall softly dewdrops _

_And cool my brow again_

_Storm blow me here_

_With your fiercest wind_

_Let me float across the sky_

_Till I can rest again_

_Fall gently snowflakes _

_Cover me with white_

_Cold icy kisses_

_And let me rest tonight_

_Sun, rain, curving sky_

_Moutons, oceans, leaves and stone_

_Star shine and moon glow_

_You're all that I can call my own_

At the beginning of the poem she giggled. When it got to the second half of it however, her eyes turned serious.

"I feel sorry for the woman in the poem. For some people they don't know what it's like to have someone who loves them so much. I have you"

"C-can I kiss you," he asked

"Of course," she said, "gently though"

He got up and sat on the bed next to her. Tenderly he stroked her hair. Then he brushed his lips with hers almost not touching at all. She drew in a breath and reminded herself that it was not the man that attacked her that was now kissing her. It was the man she loved. It was the man who loved her. She looked up to see his eyes filled with tears.

"Honey," she said gently, "do you need to talk?"

"I couldn't protect you from this," he said… agony rising in his voice, "and I feel so damn guilty about that"

"Adrian honey there's no way you could have known. The situation was obviously caused by some lowlife who wanted to do this. I'm not as smart as you and even I could figure that one out"

"You are as smart as me," he told her, "you were the one that taught me to look beyond my eyes"

"I remember telling you that once… to look beyond your eyes. You said, 'if I look beyond my eyes I'd be looking in the back of my head"

They both laughed for a couple of seconds. It felt good to laugh. "It's just that I was able to protect you so many times… that time we were on vacation… that time-"

"Yeah but this jerk that did this obviously knew what he was doing and he set it up so he would have no problem doing it and getting away with it"

"Oh he's not about to get away with it," he told her, "not even close"

"I know," she told him, "but don't let him make you think any of this is your fault. I don't want him to win"

"Knock, knock," a high pitched female voice called.

"Hey Karen come on in," Adrian said, "Thanks for coming"

"Oh I didn't come alone," Karen told him, "I have someone with me"

"Who," Trudy asked as her friend gave her a hug.

"Okay," Karen said, "remember the poetry reading last year that you missed because you were sick"

"Yeah the Maya Angelu reading"

"Well a few weeks ago I shot a documentary on Maya and she and I hit it off. So when I found out you were in here I gave her a call."

"MAYA ANGELU is here," Trudy squealed excitedly

"You put a smile on her face," Adrian said gratefully to Karen, "I really appreciate it"

"If anyone asks it was coincidence, got it?"

"Why?"

"I used some sources I shouldn't have used," she admitted

"Yeah well," Leland said coming up behind her, "it was worth it this time. "Leland how long have you been standing here"

"Long enough," he said in a stern tone then softened, "to know what an amazing friend you are. I mean I always know it but sometimes you really prove it"

"I'm sorry," the nurse said, "there can only be 2 visitors in a room at once"

"Come on Kar," Leland said putting an arm around her waist, "lets give Maya a chance to meet Trudy"

"You mean the other way around"

"No. Maya's lucky to have the opportunity to meet a person that is almost as amazing as you are"

She kissed her husband and they went down to the café as Maya Angelu walked in.

"My wife is a major fan of yours," Adrian said, "thank you so much for coming"

Maya grinned.

"Karen told me what you were going through and I am so sorry that happened to you"

"Thank you," Trudy said, "I can't believe you took the time to come down here"

"I was happy to do it," Maya said, "Karen is a good lady and she told me how much this would mean to you. I knew if you were friends with Karen you had to have been a wonderful person yourself"

"Oh she is a wonderful person," Adrian said, "she's thoughtful and intelligent and strong inside and those are her worst qualities"

"Well if those are her worst qualities," Maya said, "I sure can't wait to hear about the good ones"

"Well I guess with her good qualities I would start with her deep love. There is nobody and nothing that she does not love. She also is always doing things for people less fortunate then her. One time in collage she had to do community service for a school project and she said and I quote, "this is the most wonderful thing ever"

"Yes seeing who you've made a difference for really is an amazing feeling"

"I completely agree with that," Maya told her, "volunteering is where I get my biggest inspirations"

"So Ms. Angelu-"

"Mrs. Angelu was my mother-in-law," Maya said, "Just call me Maya"

"Okay Maya," Adrian began, "where did you get the ideas for your first poem"

"From a bad experience I went through once. Would you like to hear the poem?"

"I would love to," Trudy exclaimed

_Give me your hand_

_Make room for me _

_To lead and follow_

_Beyond the rage of poetry_

_Let others have _

_The privacy of_

_Touching words_

_And love of loss_

_Of love_

_For me_

_Give me your hand_

"Wow that must have been one hell of a bad experience," Adrian said

"Oh no," Maya explained, "for a 12 year old it was a bad experience-"

"You wrote that at 12-years-old"

"My sister did something against the rules and I had gotten punished for it. My parents thought it was me"

"That poem came from that?"

"Yeah. It was the first poem I ever wrote"

"Did you ever show it to your parents?"

"Several months later after my sister confessed to doing it. She got punished not for what she did but for blaming it on me instead of coming to my parents and telling the truth"

Meanwhile in the café Leland and his wife sat at the booth.

"You know… Karen I don't say this often enough. As much as we fight and I know we fight too much I love you. You are my world"

"Leland," Karen said looking up with tears in her eyes, "you have no idea how much it means to hear you say that. I've missed that tenderness"

"I know," he said, "and I'm sorry about that. Love is one thing that should never be taken away. You never know how long you're going to be able to treasure that love"

Karen touched his hand gently. They didn't speak for a couple of minutes. Then finally Leland spoke

"I made a decision," he said, "well a few of them actually"

"Great," she said, "great I'd love to hear it"

"I am going to stop the negativity," he told her, "this really taught me that it's important not to take things for granted. From now on whenever we argue no more yelling no more can't we sit down like two adults which we are and talk it out

"Really," Karen squealed, "you mean it"

"I mean every word of it," he told her, "the second decision I came to is I need to take you more seriously. It's not that I don't value your opinion. I do, more then you will ever know but from time to time my pride gets in the way. If you see something that I don't it's like I feel like-"

"Like less of a man?"

"Yes. Exactly, how did you know?"

Leland I've known you since we were 7 years old."

"No you were seven," he said, "I was only six"

"Whatever," she replied laughing

"The point is that I know you. You're the love of my life and my best friend. It's true that I don't always agree with everything you do. Some things you do I think are crazy-"

"That's because some things I do are crazy," he said, "I just get so frustrated sometimes and I expect more then what is realistically capable and when things go wrong my recourse is to get mad"

She nodded completely understanding that.

"I always regret it afterwards," he said

"I know that too"

"I guess the reason I get mad is because any other way when I take the time to settle down I usually cave."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"I don't know. I feel like it makes me a weak person"

"It doesn't make you a weak person. It makes you a smart person. One of the smartest things anyone can do is to know their strengths and weaknesses."

"But making a mistake is a weakness"

"No. Making a mistake and not admitting it's a mistake is a weakness. Making a mistake is human"

"I just get so damn scared"

"Because of what happened to Jenny?"

"Yeah"

"I know honey. I'm scared to. There are times I itch to react the way you do"

"How do you hold back?"

"I hold back because I know that if I don't the murderer wins"

"Oh my GOD!"

"What, what is it?"

"I've been letting the murderer win"

Karen sighed inwardly. She did not mean to make him feel like that.

"It's never too late Leland. It's never too…"

She stopped

"What are you thinking," he asked

Back in Trudy's room the two women were sharing thoughts and Trudy mentioned that she wrote an original poem.

"You did?"  
"Yes. It's one I wrote for my husband. Would you like to hear it"

"I would love too"

Hold me, Adrian, my darling husband  
True love's touch so rare a gift  
How much more precious is your caress  
Who loves so deeply, yet fears the warmth  
Of hand on hand  
Still, your love is given free  
Only to me  
Only to me

Maya's eyes filled with tears as did Adrian's

"That's the most beautiful poem I ever heard," she told her, "and I've been writing since I was twelve years old."

"I just write what I feel," she explained

"See what's incredible is you know how to feel. You know how to let your feelings express itself in a healthy way"

"It's not always so easy," she said, "there were times I was scared to death and yet writing seemed to take me away from the place where I was trapped. It took me to a place where I was with the one that I loved and with the one that loved me. Of course he was with me every second he could be, but when he couldn't be well my poems were all about him so it was like he was with me"

"You know," Maya told Trudy, "your story reminds me of me and my husband, before he died that is"

Back in the café Karen and Leland were reminiscing about old times.

"Oh yeah," Karen said, "how could I ever forget that one"

"Hey you weren't the one with your groin in a sling"

Karen laughed.

"Hey well you wouldn't be either if you didn't act the way you did"

"Yeah, yeah"

"Leland you know I'm right"

"Yeah," he sighed, "I do. I should have listened to you"

"Good boy," she said, "I may have a treat for you at home tonight"

"Can't wait"

On the other side of town Ambrose was driving to the hospital. He was deep in thought. What sort of jerk would do that to such a sweet person? She was so kind and gentle to everyone she met. She was loyal too. She was loyal as a friend. She was loyal to his brother. She would never hurt anyone. She would never even fight back. Someone had to have been a real lowlife to set up such a thing. Ambrose felt himself getting hungry so he stopped off for a bite to eat.

Since he was in a rush he decided to stop at the local McDonald's drive through instead of going into a dinner or something like that. He ordered 2 cheeseburgers, a large fries and a chocolate shake. He also decided it would be a good idea to stop off for some flowers… or something for her. Flowers would be too common. It's something you do without thinking. What about jewelry? Maybe not… that's too much of a romantic gift. Suddenly the perfect idea struck him.

Ambrose remembered that one of the best gifts to give someone was the gift of humor. Trudy loved to laugh. She felt so much better after a hard day when someone made her laugh. So the first thing he did was pull into the bookstore.

"Hello may I help you," the saleswoman asked.

"Yes I need several humor books."

"Is it for you or-"

"It's for my sister-in-law. She had a very trying experience."

"Oh," she said, "I know what that's like. Let's see what we have here-"

"I hope you don't," Ambrose said

"Hope I don't what?"

"Know what that's like. My sister-in-law was raped"

"GOD I'm so sorry," the bookstore saleswoman said, "I figured it was something minor… a fight with your brother or something like that. Nothing like rape"

"I know. That was a shock when my brother called and told me about it"

"I can just imagine. You know what… I think I have the perfect books for your sister-in-law. They're the F my life series"

"Um… you know I'm not sure that's a good idea. I don't know she'll want to read anything with the f… word in it"

"Yeah you're right. I didn't think of that. How about the Chicken Soup for the Soul joke books"

"They make joke books?"

"Yeah. It just recently came out"

"How many are there," Ambrose asked

"9 altogether"

"I'll take them all, plus a regular chicken soup for the soul book"

"Okay," the sales-woman said, I'll get them for you. Anything else?"

"Your name and phone number," he asked

"Well my name is Lisa," she told him, "and I'll write down my number for you because I don't think you'd remember it"

"Hey," he said playing to be offended, "are you saying I have a bad memory"

"No," she joked, "I'm saying that I don't think you would remember too much unless it's written down"

They both laughed for a couple of seconds.

"The best time to call me is between 4 PM and 9 PM," Lisa continued, "I have 2 jobs"

"Sounds like you're pretty busy"

"I have to work 2 jobs so that I can support my daughter"

"Oh," his face fell, "you're married?"

"No. My husband left me after my daughter was born"

"Why would anyone do that?"

"He wanted a boy. He left me because I had a girl"

"What a jerk"

"I'm better off without him"

"How old is your daughter"

"She's going to be 3 tomorrow"

"Happy birthday to her"

Lisa smiled

"Thank you"

Ambrose left the store. His next stop was a music store"

"Hello sir," the salesman said when he got there, "how can I help you"

"Do you have a CD of Brian Region?"

"Of course"

"Bill Cosby?"

"Plenty of those"

"Jeff Dunhum"

"We don't have a CD of him but we have DVD's of him"

Ambrose listed about 30 of Trudy's favorite comedians. They had all of them except one"

"We can order it for you"

"That's okay," he said, "I know a store that sells it"

The salesman rang him up $139.99"

"Thank you," Ambrose said paying him, "could you do me a favor"

"Sure"

"Could you make the receipt say $140 instead of $139.99?"

"I could but why?"

"My brother like everything to be even… not odd"

"A little OCD huh?"

Ambrose shrugged. He didn't say anything but he thought the man had an attitude.

"It's just part of his style," he said with a slight laugh.

"Got ya, got ya"

"You know," Ambrose said, "I'm kind of in a hurry so if you don't mind…"

"I'm sorry," the guy said chuckling.

He printed out the receipt. He rolled his eyes as Ambrose walked out.

Back at the café Karen saw an old friend of hers. He was now a game show host. His name was Bob Pendragen.

"Karen… Leland how are you guys"

"Not so great. My friend is in here"

"Oh I'm sorry. Is she okay?"

Karen rolled her eyes.

"That's a stupid question," she said, "of course she's not okay"

Leland looked at Bob with a sympathetic smile.

"Karen's very upset," he explained, "this was one of her dearest friends"

"Ah. So I was thinking… I'd love for you two to be on my game show"

Leland looked at Bob.

"I never saw your game show," he said, "but Karen has and she says it's sexist"

"Sexist? I never heard anyone refer to it like that before. Karen how is it sexist"

"Well there are four rounds"

"Right?"

"In 2 of the round men have the final say and only in one of the rounds do women have the final say. In the 4th round all the say counts for 50%. I'd say that's pretty damn sexist"

Bob couldn't argue that point. She was right.

"I actually don't make those decisions," he explained, "that is left up to the team. I could and I will put in a word with them however."

"Thank you. I don't know if I could be on the show either way though"

"Why?"  
"Remember Nation and Rachel?"

"No… not really"

"Well they were a couple on your show. They broke up during the show because of a difference in a question. Rachel was furious that Nation thought the way he did and left the show.

"Are they still broken up?"

"They're in marriage counseling right now"

Leland looked at Bob and asked him, "what are you doing here"

"My daughter is in here"

Leland's heart started pounding.

"Anything serious?"

"No," Bob replied, "It's just an appendicitis attack. She's in surgery right now"

"SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE CAFÉ? YOU SHOULD BE IN THE WAITING ROOM! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. YOUR DAUGHTER IS ALIVE. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BRING MY BABY BACK AND YOU'RE SITTING IN THE CAFÉ WHILE YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN SURGERY"

"The surgery just started," Bob explained, "and I was told it would take at least 2 ½ hours before she was done Karen. I was hungry so I came to the café to get a bite to eat"

"But you're acting as if everything is alright"

"Karen, I can't change what's going on," Bob explained, "and I would not be any good for Jessica if I sat there worrying. She needs her father's strength right now not his irrationality. Now I'm sorry about what you went through. I can't imagine how you must feel but you need to understand that everyone is different and just because someone doesn't do things your way doesn't mean it's the wrong way"

"I plead the 5th," Leland said

"Wise man," Bob replied laughing, "You will…"

"Yes of course"

"I'll see you guys later," Bob said, "I'm going to go see how Jessica's doing"

As soon as Bob left Leland turned to his wife.

"Karen-"

"I know," she said, "I over-reacted"

"No. You just said what I was thinking. But you may have personalized it a little bit"

"I'm sorry," she said, "I just get so upset when people who don't understand what we've been through don't appreciate what they have"

"So do I," Leland admitted, "and I too would give anything to get our little girl back. What I do know is we're going to see her again, in heaven"

"That's so far away," Karen said, "you know sometimes I dream about Jenny"

"So do I"

"I dream that she's alive"

"So do I"

"When I have that dream I don't want to wake up"

"Neither do I but we have two reasons for getting up. Their names are Jason and Jarred."

"Leland they never did find the body you know"

"I know," he told her

"What if," she asked, "she's alive?"

"After 72 hours the odds of a missing person found alive are slim to none. After 3 years it's next to impossible"

Karen didn't say a word but her mind was already formulating an idea. If Jennifer was alive there was one person who would be able to find her. He was someone who was able to do almost anything if not anything.

"Leland," she said, "I have something I have to do. I'll be back"

He knew what she was planning.

As she got up he grabbed her hand.

"Karen," he asked, "how sure are you. I mean on a scale of 1-10"

Karen looked at her husband for a good long minute then answered. Her answer was simple.

"A mother knows"

Leland thought for a minute and nodded.

"That's good enough for me," he said, "but honey this is a delicate situation. He's going through hell right now."

"What?"

"Don't you think I know what you're thinking?"

"How did you know," she asked

"I've known you for a long time. I'LL talk to him"

20 minutes later Leland knocked on the door to Trudy's room

"Who is it," Adrian asked

"It's me Monk," Leland replied, "can we talk for a minute"

"Go ahead," Trudy told him, "I'll be okay"

He kissed her again just barely, and went outside to talk to Leland.

"Hey Leland what's up?"

Leland was quiet for what seemed like hours and then he spoke

"Karen," he began, "thinks that Jenny may be alive"

Adrian nodded.

"What do you think?"

"Well… I mean there's always a chance"

"Monk," Leland said, "I hate to do this to you in your situation right now but would you check it out"

"Check it out? You mean try to find Jenny"

"Yes. You're the best of everyone and if anyone can do it you can"

"Leland I have to devote my time to Trudy"

"I know," Leland said, "but this is very important to Karen"

"And Trudy is very important to me. I can't devote my whole time to solving this case"

"What if I were to get you an assistant"

"Huh"

"Yeah she'll do all the work… you'd just tell her what to do"

Adrian sighed.

"Leland you're like a brother to me but Trudy's my wife. She's my world. She needs to come first"

"I know. I know. I'm not saying she shouldn't. But you can't spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with her."

"I can devote maybe 7 hours a week to the case," Adrian said, "but that's all I can do at least until Trudy's better"

"Thank you Adrian," Leland said, "I really appreciate this"

"Now if you'll excuse me," Monk said, "I'm going to go back to my wife"

"Monk before you go… do you think it's possible that the rape and Jennifer's situation could have something to do with each other"

"Leland my wife was just raped, she's in a hospital bed possibly with the HIV virus pulsating through her. Do you really think I can focus on anything else right now?"

"No. I'm sorry. It's just that if Jennifer-"

"If Jennifer is alive there are a million people who can help find her."

"Yes," Leland acknowledge, "but you're the only one I trust"

2 He skipped the word because the word was rapes


	3. This Wasn't Supposed To Happen

It couldn't have been more then a few hours later. Adrian was sitting in his wife's room. She had finally fallen asleep again. He knew that wouldn't be for long because she would always wake up with nightmares. Little did he know how bad the nightmare was going to get. A soft knock on the door was heard.

"Come on in," he said

It was one of the doctors.

"Mr. Monk," the doctor said, "a word please?"

"Sure… which one"

The doctor sighed.

"We need to talk," he amended

He led him outside.

"Is something wrong," he asked

"I wish I could say there wasn't but then I would be lying. We just got back your wife's HIV test. I'm afraid the test came back positive"

His heart pounded in his chest making it feel like it was racing at 80 beats per second.

"No," he yelled, "that can't be. She's young. She's healthy. She never would… it's not fair"

"I know it isn't fair Mr. Monk. I have a cousin in the same position that your wife is in. I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make this better. If it helps HIV is not a death sentence like it used to be."

"Do me a favor," he said, "don't tell her"

"What? Why not?"

"She's been through a very punishing experience without even having done anything wrong. She's tormented enough by what's going on. I don't want her to suffer more"

"She's going to need treatment if she's going to have a chance at rallying"

"Then give her the treatment," he said firmly, "do whatever you need to do but without hurting her"

The doctor nodded.

"We can do that," he said, "but don't you think she's going to wonder why you can't… you know be with her"

"I'm not going to stop being with her," Monk said catching the doctor's drift, "because she's sick"

"You would be risking a lot"

"Let me tell you something," Monk replied firmly, "when I married her it was **for better or worse **not just for better. It was **in sickness and in health **not just in health. You know what, if I go through these struggles then I go through these struggles. It doesn't matter to me. She's the only thing I care about right now."

"Well okay but you still have to stay at your best for her sake"

"I know I do and I will… but that's secondary. She's the most important part of my world. She is my world.

"I understand that," the doctor empathized, "and if I seem unsympathetic I'm not. It's just in medical school we were taught that it's important to keep things in prospective so we can be the most helpful possible"

"That's not a correct sentence"

"Huh?"

"Y-you said the most helpful possible. The correct way to say it is, "It's just that in medical school we were taught that it **is **important to keep things in prospective so we can be as helpful as we possibly can be"

"Well," said the doctor in a tight but friendly tone, "I'll be more careful about my grammar in the future"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome. I'm sorry if I seem a little out of sorts. My life is sort of upside-down right now"

"No I understand," the doctor acknowledge, "when your world is turned upside-down you need something you can cling to"

Adrian was walking back to Trudy's room after her first treatment when he passed Leland again.

"Monk did you find out anything"

"Not now Leland, I can't concentrate on this right now"

"It may take your mind of things"

"Take my mind off- no… it's not going to take my mind off things. Leland…"

He lowered his voice so there wasn't a chance of Trudy hearing him, "the HIV test came back. She's got a disease that will probably kill her. They're trying some new treatment now which involves…" he shuttered to think of it

"Oh," Leland said touching his shoulder, "I'm sorry Monk. I didn't realize it was that bad"

Tears flowed from Adrian's eyes.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so angry lately"

"Why the hell not? Your wife was raped. You have a right to be angry"

"I just don't understand why this is happening to her. It's not fair. Why should she have to go through all of this? I'm sitting there watching this… doing what I have to do and I feel so god-damn…"

"Helpless. The word you're looking for is helpless."

"It does make me feel helpless and angry. GOD I just want to get mad at those people that are hurting her"

"Yes but you need to understand they're not hurting her. They're saving her"

"I know that up here," he said pointing to his head, "but in here…" he put his hand over his heart, "It's a different story. Those treatments are so painful and she only had one so far"

"Didn't they put her to sleep?"  
"P- what is she a dog?"

"I didn't mean put her to sleep like you would put a dog to sleep," Leland explained patiently, "I mean give her something to make her fall asleep while they do the treatment so it isn't painful"

"Oh of course but she has nightmare when she's asleep. She can feel it… I know she can"

"She probably can. It just eases things. But you know what… as hard as it is and I KNOW it's hard… harder then anything's that has happened before… this is necessary."

Adrian sighed. He knew his friend was right..

"Do you remember what you told me about 4 years ago… when I was going through a tough time?"

"I told you a lot of things"

"Yes. Yes you did but you said one thing I will always remember. You said "keep your head hold high… stand up as proud as you can and let every thump roll like water off a duck's back"

Adrian smiled

"I do remember telling you that," he said

"And what did I do," Leland continued

"Um…"

"I held my head up high stood up as proud as I could and let every thump roll like water off a duck's back"

"Yes but you weren't also raped and beaten by some stupid-ass jerk, given HIV and-"

"No I wasn't and believe me I would do anything to turn back the hands of time and stop this. However we can still take the bad things and turn them into things that are good"

"How can I do that?"

"You know the answer to that Monk"

"Leland I'm going to help as much as I can with the Jennifer case but I don't know that I'll be able to concentrate much and I certainly can't give my attention to anything or anyone but my wife while she's awake. I mean do you realize how quickly things are changing? Do you realize how quickly things are going to have to change even more? This wasn't planned"

"Actually it looks like it was… by the jackass that did this anyway"

"If that were funny I would have laughed"

"It wasn't meant to be funny Monk. This guy is a real slim-ball"

"Yeah I pretty much knew that when he RAPED MY WIFE"

"I know you're upset," the captain said, "I'm as upset as you"

"Really? Are you the one who's wife has HIV?"

"No… but she's one of my best friends and she's Karen's best friend Once again Monk with great difficulty checked his anger.

"I know," he said, "I'm sorry. It's just killing me that this is happening to her"

"Stop saying you're sorry GOD DAMNIT. You have a right to be angry. Your wife was raped and a part of her died. She got a disease that is killing her and the treatment that may or may not cause her to rally is physically and emotionally painful for you to watch and for her to go through"

"I know. I feel like I'm being selfish"

"You're allowed to be selfish sometimes. Your name isn't GOD!"

"I know but-"

"I sure as hell am mad and she is just my friend. I can only imagine how raw you must be at the moment"

"But the situation-"

"There's time for that later," the captain said, "you just go take care of your wife right now"

"Hey Leland?"

"Yes Monk?"

"Thank you"

"For what?"

"Thank you for being my friend"

"Hey," Leland said, "thank you for being mine"

"How do you do it," Monk asked, "How do you… do it?"

"Do what?"

"Get mad," Monk asked, "It feels awful to do"

"Of course it feels awful to do," Leland replied, "but sometimes it's something you have to do. You know, I always said when I was under Powers that when I got to that level I would never be like that. I always said I would be cool, fun-loving, always a good friend, able to relate to people-"

"But you are like that Leland"

"And I always said I would never get mad. I said that getting mad is not necessary and what's the point in acting in a hurtful way"

"This is different though," Monk said, "it's literally not a choice"

"That's my point," Leland replied, "right now you're going through hell. I think it's almost worse for you then it is for her"

"Almost? Did you know I won't let them tell her that she's got HIV?"

"Why?"

"Do you really think she needs to know this right now? She's been raped, beaten, could be p r e g n a n t, plus we don't know for sure that the first test was right. I'm making them run it a second time. What if the first test was wrong? What if she really doesn't have it?"

"What if the second test is wrong," Leland asked, "they have to test 3 times every time they get a negative."

"Exactly. Why give her nine months of agony and worry. They have to test every 3 months."

Leland sighed

"You're right," he said

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Monk said angrily, "not to my Trudy"

"I don't think it was supposed to happen to anyone. It definitely wasn't supposed to happen to Trudy. I am so sorry you're going through this Adrian"

"Thanks… I appreciate the support"

Later on Trudy was asleep. The doctor had given her something and he told Adrian that she would be out for the rest of the night.

"But she has nightmares," he told him

"I know but sleep is crucial to her survival"

Adrian checked his watch. It was 7 o'clock. Less then 24 hours ago their lives were perfect.

"Any results on the new test"

The doctor sighed.

"It's inconclusive," he explained, "we'll have to test again in a few days."

"What?"

"The test wasn't accurate," the doctor told Adrian, "it just showed 8 out of 17 markers"

"But the first doctor told us-"

"He's a resident," the doctor acknowledged, "and I'll have a strong word with him"

Adrian nodded.

"We did however get the results of her pregnancy test back"

"Was it positive or negative?"

"It was positive. She's definitely pregnant"

Adrian blinked.

"I know this is a tough situation for you. You have several options"

He nodded.

"Well visiting hours are almost up. I'm afraid you can't stay with her tonight. You can come back first thing in the morning though"

"Why can't I stay with her?"

"Hospital rules," the doctor explained with a sad smile, "when someone goes through this type of treatment they need to be in a clean room for 12 hours"

"You ought to appreciate that," the captain said earning a look from Monk.

"Sorry that was just my attempt at humor"

Just then Ambrose got there.

"Knock, knock," he said

"Who's there," Adrian joked back

"How is she?"

"Um… well she's sleeping right now"

"I can see that," he said, "I meant how is she doing"

"She's pregnant," he told his brother, "

"And?"

Ambrose could sense Adrian had something on his mind

"We can talk about it when we get back to my place," Adrian said, then mouthed _I don't want her to know yet. _

Ambrose nodded

"What's in the bag"

Ambrose looked down.

"I-it's a gift I have for her"

"Oh that's really sweet. What did you get her?"

"Comedy. A series of books, DVDS and CDs. It seemed an appropriate gift"

Adrian smiled at his brother.

"She will really love that," he told him

"You hungry," Ambrose asked his brother

"You know I didn't realize it," Adrian said, "but I am"

"Me too," Ambrose replied, "I noticed there was a diner right across the street"

Adrian sighed inwardly. He felt guilty about going out to eat while she was being fed through a feeding tube.

"I don't think I should eat," he said

"Why not"

"How can I eat when Trudy's being fed through a tube"

"Adrian, you have to keep your strength up for her sake," Ambrose pointed out.

He sighed again knowing that his brother was right, hating that his brother was right.

"You can't be punishing yourself for what happened to her"

"I'm not," he said

"You are," Ambrose corrected, "come on… we'll talk at the restaurant"

Across the street at a restaurant called Water-House the two brothers sat and talked.

"So what's going on," Ambrose asked

Adrian sighed.

"The HIV test came back. It was positive"

"Positive… isn't positive good," Ambrose asked

Ambrose was smart but not always quick.

"Not in this case Am… it means that she may… and most likely does have HIV"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR," Ambrose whined

"Yeah… don't I know it"

The waitress came over

"Hello… my name is Katherine and I'll be your waitress today. How may I help you"

"Can you turn back time," Monk muttered

"He's having a bad day," Ambrose explained

"Personal problems," Katherine asked gently

"You might say that"

"I did say that"

"MY WIFE WAS RAPED AND SHE MAY BE DYING," Monk said, "if you really need to know"

"I'm sorry," Katherine said, "the same thing happened to my sister"

"It sucks doesn't it," Adrian asked, "sucks isn't even the word for it"

"It's awful," Katherine acknowledge, "you feel so helpless."

"I feel helpless… scared, angry wanting to cry wanting to get mad…"

"I felt the same way when it happened to my sister"

"Is she okay now?"  
"Um… sure"

"No… for real is she okay now"

Katherine sighed.

"Clowee died last year. AIDS took her life"

Adrian felt his heart drop to his chest. HIV turns into AIDS.

"Look," Katherine said picking up on his fear, "not every situation is like that. If problems are caught on time they can very easily… well not very easily but they can be fixed. I know things change and that's not exactly the best news ever but this is a necessity not a choice"

Adrian nodded

"And I understand that," he acknowledged, "but it doesn't make it any easier"

"Of course it's not easy. If it was easy it wouldn't be hard"

Adrian smiled at the comment from his brother. Ambrose always knew how to make him smile.

"So," Katherine said, "what can I get you to eat?"  
"Um… okay a bowl of soup and French fries not too well done and not undercooked."

Katherine wrote that down.

"What kind of soup," she asked

"Oh… Sea Food Bisque"

"Ah… my favorite"

"You like Sea Food Bisque," Ambrose asked, "I like Sea Food Bisque too"

"Wow that's so cool," Katherine replied, "I can't believe we both like the same soup"

Adrian rolled his eyes. Oh to be that innocent again. That would be great. It was his life less then 24 hours ago.

As Katherine left to get their orders Ambrose turned to Adrian.

"You know you're going to have to tell her sooner or later," he pointed out, "she might suspect something when the baby comes down with-"

"Of course I'm going to tell her," Adrian replied, "but not until there's something to tell. The test may have been wrong"

"I know," Ambrose replied, "but they also could be right"

"Which is why I'm going to wait till there's something to tell before I tell her"

"Are you going to at least tell her about the baby"

"No, I thought I'd wait till she gives birth," he said sarcastically, "of course I'm going to tell her about the baby"

"It's probably got to be your baby," Ambrose said, "the test result wouldn't come back positive so soon if it was the raper's baby"

"Could you not say that word so casually?"

"What word"

"Raper. It's not a causal thing"

"I know. I'm sorry. What happened was terrible. It was scary. It probably was the worst thing that could ever happen. I just meant to say that the baby is probably yours"

"It doesn't matter who's it is," Adrian said, "Trudy will love it"

"Will you?"

"Will I what?"

"Will you love the baby"

Adrian paused for a moment before answering that question.

"Yes," he said, "I would definitely love the baby. I think I would have an easier time loving him or her if he or she is my baby not the baby of that… thing"

"That's understandable," Ambrose pointed out, "but do you think in time you will grow to love the baby even if it isn't yours"  
"I know I will. I just don't know how"  
The waitress came over with their food. Adrian barely ate his. He just picked at it.  
"Adrian don't you think you should eat"

"I can't," Adrian said, "Trudy's being fed through a feeding tube"  
"Listen Adrian I know what you're going through. Don't you remember a few years ago when that situation happened where I had to act quickly. I could not **believe **what I did after all was said and done but I literally had to."  
"I remember. You were like freaking out. Actually it's ironic the way things resulted if you think about how that sort of stuff usually goes"  
"Yeah but the fact that I touched that… I was freaking about that for awhile," Ambrose said laughing, "that was the first of many numbers of things I freaked about"

"Yes but you had to stay strong because you were the one that had to be in control at the time"  
"That right. What good are you going to be to her if you can't be in control of yourself"  
"Okay I get the point," he said eating a little bit more.  
"Thank you," Ambrose said, "that's better"  
Adrian looked at his brother. He knew his brother was right.  
"I guess you're right," he admitted  
"I KNOW I'm right," Ambrose replied firmly, "just like I'm always right"  
"Always?"  
"Yeah always."  
"You can't always be right"  
"Why not?"

"Simple. If you were **always**right that would mean you were never wrong. If you were never wrong you wouldn't be human. Now Ambrose you're an amazing brother and you're my best friend but you are human"  
"Okay well I'm always right but I'm not never wrong"  
"How can you be always right but not be never wrong"  
"You just can that's all"  
"How can you?"  
"Like what happened the other day that time for example. Was it right of me to do what I did?"  
"Absolutely"  
"In normal circumstances would it have been right of me to do what I did?"

"Fourteen years ago it would have been"  
Ambrose chuckled.  
"Okay fourteen years ago is a long time ago. Or that time that I got mad was I right to get mad"  
"You were 100% right Am," Adrian said, "but that's between us"  
"I know," Ambrose said, "and thank you for backing me up on it"  
"Why wouldn't I," Adrian replied, "you were right. If you were wrong I wouldn't have but you were right but again that's between us"  
Ambrose laughed causing Adrian to laugh and then he felt guilty about laughing because of Trudy's condition.

"Adrian it's okay to laugh," Ambrose told him  
"Not when my wife is in critical condition"  
"She's not in critical condition anymore. Even if she was in critical condition you aren't going to be any good to her unless you take care of yourself. Whoever did this has some major issues"  
"Why would anyone do that," Adrian said slamming his hand down, "this wasn't supposed to happen"  
"I can agree with that," Ambrose said, "it definitely wasn't supposed to happen"  
"Who does such a thing," he said frustrated again, "it doesn't make sense"


	4. A Clue

It had to have been the worst few days of Adrian Monk's life. As he was waiting outside in the hall because Trudy was in treatment Leland came up to him.

"So have you found out anything yet," he asked

"Yes," Adrian said, "I found out that I hate the fact that my wife is suffering like this. I found out that I hate the fact that she's got a disease that will probably kill her and that she wouldn't have to be sick if some SON OF A BITCH didn't decide to take advantage of her. I found out that without her my life is just a blob"

"I meant," Leland said, "about Jennifer"  
Adrian had to take in a breath to control his frustration. He understood how much Leland and Karen wanted to find Jennifer. That was perfectly reasonable. She was and is their daughter. But honestly, Leland, who was almost as good a detective as Adrian was, was not getting the idea of time element.

"Not yet," he said

"Monk I know you're upset but-"

"Upset," Monk laughed without humor, "I get 'upset' when I have a bad day. I got 'upset' when I had to face the pointer. I'm not upset. I'm distraught"

Suddenly Monk noticed something.

"Leland," he said, "let me see that bottle of apple juice"

"Why?"

"Because," Monk said, "I think we just found a clue"


	5. Billy Fiberglass

Leland handed Monk the apple-juice.

"Where have we seen that design before," he asked

"On ever bottle of apple-juice?"

"And… **at the crime scene **don't you remember?"

Leland gaffed to himself. The 'crime scene was his daughter's bedroom"

"Okay so we saw it there"

"We also," Monk said, "saw it all over Billy Fiberglass's desk. The drawings look alike"  
Leland remembered it.

"You're right. They do," he said, "Let's go pick him up"

"Leland we can't go pick him up without evidence or probable cause"

"I think this is probable cause don't you?"

"To you it is and to me it is but to the officials, not so much"

Leland nodded.

"So what would determine probable cause?"

"Well we know he has a history of multiple personality disorder"

"Right," Leland said, "Monk you're a genius."

"Leland," Monk said, "You can't fault a person for being sick"

"Oh really? What if the man that raped Trudy was sick… mentally not just physically I mean? Would you forgive him right away?"

"I don't know," Monk admitted, "and that's not a fair question"

"Your right," Leland said, "but I don't have to be fair. I **need **my daughter back. Karen needs her daughter back. Jason and Jarred need their sister back"

"I know," Monk said  
Just then the doctor came out.

"She's asking for you," he said

Monk shook Leland's hand.

"I'll see you later," he said


End file.
